TheMaximumHornetSting Posted July 3, 2020 Report Share Posted July 3, 2020 You ever just get that feeling that you're alone even when you're with someone? Maybe it's just plain sadness or something deeper... Not gonna lie... I try to keep myself moving... I'm always doing something under the pretense of working or making money and I guess that is true but Im running from something... Things I never coped with and don't wanna face but it bothers my soul... Sweeping my own problems under the rug... I always shut my own feelings up because where I come from that shits viewed as weak... But I've come to realize that's stupid... The notion of being this tough guy who doesn't have a weakness is within and of itself a weakness... It's just one designed to hide something even greater... I'm not afraid of snakes,I'm not scared of Alligators, I'm not scared of the footsteps in the dark..., I ain't scared of ghost, I'm not scared of drinking Orange Juice after brushing my teeth Hell I'll even Jumpstart a car ungrounded... But I fear confronting my own problems not the external ones... but the internal ones My own emotions... I never coped with the loss of my father... Struggled and never fully coped with the loss of my uncle... Never dealt with my depression from being hospitalized for half a damn year... I just shut everything in and for awhile even tried to drink my problems away... I think @Rufus69said it best that don't/didn't work... Just made a fool outta myself at a young age... luckily I stopped... Before I fell to deep down the drunken rabbit hole At 24 I feel like I've already screwed myself even though I know I haven't... I haven't even started yet... Maybe the lockdowns just fucking with me... Because I've got nowhere to run to now... This is why early morning sucks... Truthfully I haven't slept in a bed in almost 2 years... Not because I don't have one but being laid up in one, to weak to even stand on my own legs for half a year does something to a man... Could hardly even lift my arms... Tied to tubes because my kidneys didn't wanna work right... And fucking Dialysis... I hated it and just thinking about it makes me so angry.... Also makes me frustrated and wanna cry something I've always viewed as weak... I didn't even cry at my own dad's and uncles funerals because I had to stay strong for everyone else and as a result I buried those emotions... But now I feel like drowning the city with my tears years later... Anger is one of the emotions that I hate feeling... Yet it's the easiest one for me to cave into when things don't go right or upset me... Even back then... Mad at my Uncle... He promised to see me graduate he's part of the reason I even bothered getting my diploma a major motivation for me to go even further beyond but he died before I graduated and in the most childish thing ever I just found myself being angry... He gave part of his life serving this country and another portion to raising me because my parents couldn't... I feel so damn selfish... And my Dad he wasn't there but he was there... He did more than most father's who leave ever would... We spent summers together,holidays he would take up time with me he didn't abandon me but I did him a disservice before he passed away... He died... Before I could apologize or make it up... That same anger swelled within me but again I know: 1. Tomorrow is never promised to us 2. My Father was sick... 3. It's childish... Idk why I even posted all this here... Like I said maybe the quarantine is driving me nuts... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarterBlue Posted July 3, 2020 Report Share Posted July 3, 2020 37 minutes ago, TheMaximumHornetSting said: 1. Tomorrow is never promised to us 2. My Father was sick... 3. It's childish... Idk why I even posted all this here... Like I said maybe the quarantine is driving me nuts... Life is a journey. Whether we enjoy it or not, each day leads us down a road. We can take the same path day after day or we can choose a new one. If the current one works, there is nothing wrong with sticking with it. If it does not, then you should choose another. I graduated high school at 16 because I skipped a grade along the way. Unfortunately, though I was "bright" I had no clue how to deal with becoming an adult. So, I chose the path of least resistance, which was working in my mother's small business, a local bar and restaurant, in a Kingston ghetto. I did this for the next three years. I would likely have spent the rest of my life in her business, were it not for the fact that her husband, my stepfather, was a total ahole who physically abused her. Things came to a head one night. I was going to kill him. I was behind him with a hatchet in my hand and the goal was to lop his head off. Instead of doing that, I hit him with the flat of the tool in his upper neck/lower head. He fell to the ground, looked up, saw me and ran off. He was much stronger than me and probably could have overpowered me. But in that instance I saw fear in his eyes. To make a long story short, at that moment, I decided I was at a crossroads. That something was deeply wrong with the path I had chosen in my life. I went to see my former high school principal a few days later, found a job at a Woolworth's and moved out. Eighteen months later I was an undergraduate at the University of the West Indies. We all need to confront our life's situation. Honesty with one's self is the key to doing right by ourselves. It is smart, not a weakness. It has stood me well trading financial markets, as I know what my weaknesses are and constantly seek ways to mitigate them. You are a young man. Hopefully, a long life lies ahead. Do your own self analysis and do what is right for you. You can listen to others, but at day's end only you are you. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rufus69 Posted July 3, 2020 Report Share Posted July 3, 2020 2 hours ago, TheMaximumHornetSting said: You ever just get that feeling that you're alone even when you're with someone? Maybe it's just plain sadness or something deeper... Not gonna lie... I try to keep myself moving... I'm always doing something under the pretense of working or making money and I guess that is true but Im running from something... Things I never coped with and don't wanna face but it bothers my soul... Sweeping my own problems under the rug... I always shut my own feelings up because where I come from that shits viewed as weak... But I've come to realize that's stupid... The notion of being this tough guy who doesn't have a weakness is within and of itself a weakness... It's just one designed to hide something even greater... I'm not afraid of snakes,I'm not scared of Alligators, I'm not scared of the footsteps in the dark..., I ain't scared of ghost, I'm not scared of drinking Orange Juice after brushing my teeth Hell I'll even Jumpstart a car ungrounded... But I fear confronting my own problems not the external ones... but the internal ones My own emotions... I never coped with the loss of my father... Struggled and never fully coped with the loss of my uncle... Never dealt with my depression from being hospitalized for half a damn year... I just shut everything in and for awhile even tried to drink my problems away... I think @Rufus69said it best that don't/didn't work... Just made a fool outta myself at a young age... luckily I stopped... Before I fell to deep down the drunken rabbit hole At 24 I feel like I've already screwed myself even though I know I haven't... I haven't even started yet... Maybe the lockdowns just fucking with me... Because I've got nowhere to run to now... This is why early morning sucks... Truthfully I haven't slept in a bed in almost 2 years... Not because I don't have one but being laid up in one, to weak to even stand on my own legs for half a year does something to a man... Could hardly even lift my arms... Tied to tubes because my kidneys didn't wanna work right... And fucking Dialysis... I hated it and just thinking about it makes me so angry.... Also makes me frustrated and wanna cry something I've always viewed as weak... I didn't even cry at my own dad's and uncles funerals because I had to stay strong for everyone else and as a result I buried those emotions... But now I feel like drowning the city with my tears years later... Anger is one of the emotions that I hate feeling... Yet it's the easiest one for me to cave into when things don't go right or upset me... Even back then... Mad at my Uncle... He promised to see me graduate he's part of the reason I even bothered getting my diploma a major motivation for me to go even further beyond but he died before I graduated and in the most childish thing ever I just found myself being angry... He gave part of his life serving this country and another portion to raising me because my parents couldn't... I feel so damn selfish... And my Dad he wasn't there but he was there... He did more than most father's who leave ever would... We spent summers together,holidays he would take up time with me he didn't abandon me but I did him a disservice before he passed away... He died... Before I could apologize or make it up... That same anger swelled within me but again I know: 1. Tomorrow is never promised to us 2. My Father was sick... 3. It's childish... Idk why I even posted all this here... Like I said maybe the quarantine is driving me nuts... Hoss...I feel for ya. I honestly do. Each one of us reacts differently to despair and/or tragedy. And yes...there was a time when I figured alcohol would bust me out of it. Only to find it was a band aid. The only good advice I can give you is...share your feelings. Don't keep them bottled up. And if it's childish to express how you feel...what the hell does that matter? Hang in there.... Rufus>> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Troll Posted July 3, 2020 Report Share Posted July 3, 2020 1 hour ago, DarterBlue said: We all need to confront our life's situation. Honesty with one's self is the key to doing right by ourselves. It is smart, not a weakness. It has stood me well trading financial markets, as I know what my weaknesses are and constantly seek ways to mitigate them. You are a young man. Hopefully, a long life lies ahead. Do your own self analysis and do what is right for you. You can listen to others, but at day's end only you are you. Solid post. 👍 On the brighter side, it actually sounds like MHS is on the right track...(as in the first step) Self analysis is a major key in life Very hard to find contentment without knowing what makes you truly happy. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheMaximumHornetSting Posted July 3, 2020 Author Report Share Posted July 3, 2020 10 minutes ago, Troll said: Solid post. 👍 On the brighter side, it actually sounds like MHS is on the right track...(as in the first step) Self analysis is a major key in life Very hard to find contentment without knowing what makes you truly happy. Another thing I've learned is that anger and depression can seap out in other ways if denied... And that's A discussion on its own Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Troll Posted July 3, 2020 Report Share Posted July 3, 2020 34 minutes ago, TheMaximumHornetSting said: Another thing I've learned is that anger and depression can seap out in other ways if denied... And that's A discussion on its own life is a rollercoaster of you climbing, and the world tossing curve balls. You can think of depression as a state of rest... But be aware that when you are not swimming, the current will always carry you downstream. Attitude conquers depression easily, and there are better spots to rest.... Just sayin' 🤷♂️ 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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